March 9, 2017
Should you forgive her for cheating?
This depends entirely on what forgiveness entails. If by forgiving her you’re thinking that you should take her back then you’re going to need to seriously consider what your needs are in a relationship. It’s difficult enough to forgive a cheater, but to take one back and maintain a decent relationship with her is even harder.
So here are a few questions you should ask yourself before forgiving a cheater.
Are you ok with open relationships?
This is something seriously worth considering. Technically, it’s only cheating when there is no arrangement concerning monogamy. It’s monogamy itself that created the phenomenon of adultery, cheating, and infidelity. If you are ok with being in a relationship that is emotionally monogamous but sexually, you can do as you please.
There are a lot of people out there who prefer this kind of arrangement because sexual exclusivity simply does not suit their personalities or desires well. If you’re in a situation with your girlfriend where she seems to genuinely want to be in a relationship with you and you can handle the fact that she is sleeping with other guys, while you also have the option of sleeping with other girls then you have a very good shot of not only forgiving her infidelity, but saving the relationship too.
Why did she cheat?
Nine times out of ten, women who are pretty much done with their current relationship begin “emotionally cheating” on you with the next guy they want to be with. They begin forming a connection with him while their connection with you becomes weaker and weaker. They have all kinds of ways of communicating this with you without really coming out and saying it. In this instance there is no way to save your relationship, nor would you really want to if your head was in the right place.
Guys form emotional connections with women and then for whatever reason, the more attached they become, the less the woman seems to want to be with them. While lots of silly reasons exist as to why this happens frequently, the fact is that this phenomenon is purely situational. In cases where becoming overly attached to the girl does push her away, it’s not because all women are predisposed to be pushed away by attachment, but rather because she never wanted your relationship to progress to that kind of attachment in the first place, and once it did, she backed off and found someone else .
Should you forgive a cheater?
Yes. Ask yourself this. If she had been honest about her intentions to dump you and start seeing another guy would you have magically felt better about that? Probably not. So even if she broke up with you first it wouldn’t have been emotionally any better on you. The question of how to forgive a cheater is probably weighing on you a bit, so the thing you want to ask yourself is how is hanging on to all this resentment benefitting you? It isn’t. In fact not only is it hurting you, but it’s preventing you from moving on and establishing a new relationship with someone else. Chances are she’ll get bored with next guy too and continue to jump from one relationship to the next. No matter how much you cared about her you need to let her go. Don’t dwell on her, and do whatever you have to do to avoid thinking about her.
February 15, 2017
Should you forgive a cheater?
Forgiving a cheater may not be the easiest thing to do, but there are several pros and cons to doing it. Let’s take a look at the issue from both sides.
Yes. You should forgive him
Forgiving him means forgiving yourself. Too many women hold themselves responsible for the failure of their relationship. In most instances there wasn’t a single thing they could have done differently to prevent their man from cheating on them. They figure they don’t look good enough, or the other girl was better in some other way. But then when he turns around and does the same thing to the other girl that they did to them, they realize the sleazy bastard was just programmed to behave that way, and they’re better off with someone who is going to give them the attention and respect they deserve.
It makes them feel inferior when you forgive them. If you don’t care that they cheated on you then they have no power over you. A lot of guys who want to act like they’re players do this shit to girls because they feel like it makes cool and powerful. They lie to their faces and tell them they love them, and the girls eat it up, hook, line, and sinker. Then when they find out they got cheated on, they flip out and want to punch the other girl in the face, and key her car. Meanwhile that other girl was getting lied to the exact same way. What you really should do is hook up with his other girl. That’ll teach the bastard how little of a shit you give. And then invite his best friend for a threesome.
No. You should not forgive him
Forgiving him means reinforcing his behavior. Forgiving him is a stupid idea. Firstly, it gives him the impression that it’s ok to treat women this way when it isn’t. What you should do instead is make him pay dearly for what he did. This will condition him to respect other women in the future, while simultaneously making yourself feel better.
Forgiving him means making him think you’re ok with being a doormat. If you want him to know that you’re totally ok with being lied to and having your feeling manipulated for the sake of his sexual prowess then you should go out of your way to pat him on the back and tell him that he’s just a man and doesn’t know any better. That way he’ll know that he’s free to do it again and again.
Should you forgive him for cheating?
All joking aside, that’s entirely up to you. If you do forgive him you should make him aware of how being lied to made you feel and why it’s not ok to toy with people’s emotions solely for the sake of getting something you want from them. While society may say this kind of behavior is ok it isn’t. Being honest with people is the far better road to take and toying with their emotions is never ok. It would serve them right to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their shitty behavior. So if you take that road, and I strongly recommend it, you would be justified.
February 3, 2017
My girlfriend was a serial cheater
Forgiving a serial cheater is not easy. But what you need to realize is it’s not your fault. They’re not doing anything to you they aren’t going to do to the next guy.
I was about 22 years old and it was my last year of college. I’d been seeing this girl for about four months and we had really hit it off. We met at a party and she knew some people that I knew, and I had seen her classes and what not so talking to her was easy. One thing led to another and we were hooking up later back at my apartment. Normally things like that don’t amount to much, but I had a really good time and she seemed to as well. We exchanged information and the next week we were going out again.
Things picked up after that. We were seeing each other more frequently. It wasn’t every day, but a couple times a week. Sometimes she would just come over and we would watch Netflix in my room or she would hang out with me and my friends.
I didn’t realize this at the time, but she had another boyfriend, or whatever she called us. She never told me about him and I never asked. I was naive about these things and I assumed that because she made an effort to stay in contact with me on a day to day basis that we were together. But I was wrong.
Getting over a cheater
When I found out about it (from one of my friends) I was angry. I felt like an idiot because I assumed the relationship had progressed to something exclusive. She apologized to me and told me that she didn’t know I wanted to be with her alone. She told me that she assumed that I too had other girls that I hooked up with.
I accepted that because it seemed reasonable. I never made my feelings clear and I believed it wasn’t fair to hold her responsible for an arrangement she didn’t know existed. She told me she had broke it off with the other guy and that she wanted to be with me and I believed her. She was so sincere. I could see it in her eyes. She believed what she was saying was true.
A few months later though she was at it again. There was a guy she had met at some other thing and he was chatting her up on her facebook or whatever. It was clear that he was interested in her and she wasn’t doing anything to convince him otherwise. I wasn’t certain they were hooking up, but I wasn’t certain they weren’t either. You go back and forth with these things. On the one hand you kind of know they’re hooking up, but on the other hand you don’t want to believe it, so you don’t.
Learning to trust again
When I found out for sure I was hurt, badly. I didn’t want to talk to her about so I basically ghosted her on Facebook. She tried to get a hold of me and then she tried to get ahold of me and I wouldn’t respond. Then she tried to get ahold of me through my friends and when they asked, I told them to tell her to stop trying. Eventually she went away. I found out later she ended up cheating on the guy she cheated on me with.
I learned to trust again after that. It made me feel better that she didn’t single me out for this kind of treatment. She cheated on me and she was going to keep cheating on the next guy. Once I understood it wasn’t about me, it was easier to move on.
January 31, 2017
How to forgive a cheater
In order to forgive a cheater you must come to terms with one simple fact. Not all of them are worth forgiving. In instances where you’ve been lied to, told that you’re being crazy or insane, and taught to mistrust your instincts, or even blamed for their infidelity, your only safe bet is to walk away. Such a person isn’t worth forgiving. The person you must learn to forgive is yourself.
Step 1: Determine if they’re worthy of forgiveness
In the majority of instances, cheating happens because one partner is not emotionally capable of reserving their entire romantic and sexual life for one person. In some ways this is perfectly natural, and just as prevalent in women as it is in men, though men have a reputation for it. If your partner has been lying to your face and telling you that you’re crazy and stupid, then you’re likely dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. They don’t care about your feelings at all, otherwise they wouldn’t be trying to make you feel insane for trusting your instincts. Such a tactic is called gaslighting and it a form of psychological abuse. While women are far more often than not the victims of gaslighting, they are also just as capable of being the perpetrators of it. If this describes your experience then your best bet is to walk away, and leave the forgiveness to God.
Step 2: Empathizing with their reasons for cheating
This is incredibly difficult to do since you are the victim here. Cheaters tend to be serial cheaters. Not only do they have sex with anyone who makes themselves available to them, but they seek out sexual partners outside of their relationship. If you can deal with the fact that they are predisposed, for whatever reason, to this type of behavior, then you should simply walk away. Understand that it’s not your fault that they’re like that, and that there’s nothing you could have done differently to prevent them from cheating. When they try to tell you that you’re the only one they want and they made a huge mistake, you can believe that they mean that insofar as they’re trying to convince themselves of it. Their intentions may be genuine. But sooner or later their desire will override those intentions. If you can’t deal with the fact that they will cheat again, then you should walk away.
In some instances, cheating happens when an otherwise monogamous partner isn’t ready for a monogamous relationship. This is especially true of younger folks who find themselves in short, passionate romances. Sometimes they end up going back to you after giving you this explanation, but more often than not they don’t. In this case, if they cheated on you, it’s because the relationship had run its course and they were on to the next one. You can take solace in the fact that the person who they cheated on you with, will be one being cheated on next, and so on.
Step 3: Forgiveness is its own reward
Affair forgiveness is the key to getting over an affair. In order to bring yourself to a place where you can trust again you must learn to empathize with the reasons why partners cheat. This will help you anticipate the personality quirks that make a person more likely to be a cheater. Empathy is all about seeing things from another’s perspective. And this is especially important when that person has hurt you. You forgive so that you can move and have a healthy relationship with someone who wants the same thing from a relationship as you.
January 24, 2017
How cheating changes your relationship
All relationships are based on trust, but for romantic relationships this is especially true. When infidelity happens in a relationship, that trust is breached, because the infidelity is most often accompanied by lies, half truths, and a broken image of one’s own narrative about their lives. That rupture can be traumatic, like a sudden death of close friend of relative, and a period of grieving takes place. The individual begins thinking back on once-fond memories and reinterpreting them with the new reality of their relationship. It casts a stain over every good moment you shared together. Every good memory is now seen through the lens of the infidelity.
Continuing the relationship after an affair
For nine out of every ten people this simply won’t be possible. Even if some part of them wants the relationship to continue, what they really want is for the relationship to go back to the time before became aware of the affair. That will never happen. The relationship after an affair will forever be changed. When the person who was cheating has to stay late at work or out with friends there will always be some part of you that wonders if their cheating again.
For any partner who values monogamy it simply isn’t going to be the same after that. Squabbles that erupt seemingly out of nowhere will turn into vicious attacks and fights. If your partner feels slighted in anyway then you’re going to end up holding the affair over their head as a reason why they have no right to be upset with you. They will become resentful of your attitude. Over time, your desire to try to work things out will make them worse.
The only thing that has a chance of succeeding is if you both agree that you can date outside the marriage. While arrangements such as these may not be traditional in any way, they work because both parties are open and honest with one another. Trust can be re-established in situations like these because, in most cases, a lying partner would have gone behind the other’s back in an attempt to spare their feelings while satisfying their desires.
In a lot of instances, traditional marriages with monogamous couplings don’t work for some people. In instances where this is true of one partner and not the other, then it’s best for both of you to establish relationships that do work for you.
It also is important to realize that if you’re the party who’s been cheated on, it’s not your fault. In some ways it’s not their fault either. Even if they had maintained their vow of fidelity, they would have been sacrificing their own desire to do it. In most cases this leaves the one partner resenting the other, and an affair is inevitable.
What’s true is this: if you’ve been cheated on, there is likely nothing you could have done differently to prevent the affair. If you feel like you were cold and distant, that may be true, but you have no way of knowing that being less cold and distant would have prevented the affair in the first place.
It is possible to forgive a cheater and move forward. But not if you are holding yourself responsible for their cheating. First you must forgive yourself and any ugly opinions you have about your responsibility for their actions.
In most instances amicable relationships can follow divorces, but there’s no way to save the marriage.